♪ THOMAS WALLIS: "More Than Tonight"
- Oh, fuck. (PANTING AND MOANING)
(PANTING)
(BOTH SIGH)
Did you...
- No. - You didn't? Oh.
- No, no, no, but... - Um...
- ..it's fine. - No, no, no, it's fine.
OK. I mean, I guess it only seems fair.
Oh, hang on. Slow, slow, slow.
OK, yes.
(GASPS)
(BANGING)
What was that?
Fuck.
Fuck!
Oh... My dad must be home.
You said they were going to be out.
Yeah, they were meant to be.
Shit! Shit!
DADDY MACK: AJ! - Yeah, just a sec.
DADDY MACK: We have news!
Just a sec, OK?
(DADDY MACK AND WINNIE LAUGH)
Get dressed, OK, before he busts in here. He will bust in here.
No, I am not meeting your parents for the first time.
It's only been a month, it's fucking awkward.
It's fine, he's harmless. (BANGING)
CHARLIE: Oh, shit!
You go out there and create a distraction,
then, like, I'm just gonna sneak out, OK?
Really? You're coordinating your walk of shame with me?
Yes, OK? And don't walk-of-shame shame me. Go!
Coming!
(DOOR CLOSES)
Oh, shit. Oh, my God.
- Hey! - (BOTH CHUCKLE)
What's up?
Winnie proposed to me and I said, "Yes."
Guys, that's incredible! Congratulations!
Yeah!
Mwah!
Oh, darl, you've got a little something here.
- Let me. - Oh.
- Rust or blood or something? - Oh...
Oh um...
I cut myself shaving, I think.
So, we were out to dinner,
and when the waiter delivered my crab,
it had a ring on one of its pincers.
And I say, "Mack, I know it hasn't been a year yet, but..."
And I say, "I would be honoured to be your husband.
"Will you marry me?"
And I'm like, "Who's asking who here?"
(ALL LAUGH)
Hey, let's go upstairs, let's celebrate.
I'll bring up some champagne...
I'm just gonna get my camera from my art supplies,
- if you don't mind, AJ. - No, no, no, no, no.
WINNIE: Oh, hello!
Hi! Uh... Hey, I'm Charlie.
Winnie.
AJ, washing machine?
(BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY)
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
(TYRES SCREECH)
AJ: No, no, no, no! Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, ease up.
STEVIE: I'm trying! AJ: Stevie!
(TYRES SCREECH)
AJ: Oh, Jesus!
AJ: No, no, no. OK, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh, Jesus, Jesus!
Good one!
Me? I told you to ease off the clutch!
Anyway, then what happened?
Then we all had champagne to celebrate the engagement,
and later Winnie pulled me aside
to congratulate me on embracing menstrual sex
and channelling my moon power.
Man, no-one's gone down on me in months!
(HORN BLARES)
CHARLIE: That's what you took from the conversation?
Oh, AJ, what do I do? What do I do?
Stop chitchatting and use some of your moon power
to get out of his way!
Why am I not getting any better at this?
How am I gonna handle highways
and doing the little finger wave to other caravans
on my way to The Big fucking Bilby?
- (HORN BLASTS) - Alright!
CHARLIE: Jesus! - Fuck off, dick-bag!
It's a Thursday, like, what's he doing...
Don't worry, don't worry. Clear it from your mind.
You can do this. Concentrate.
Reverse back. Check your mirrors.
STEVIE: Gotcha. - Bilby-hop forward.
- Ease it off. - Yeah...
- Is that good? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Less, less, less. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
- OK, this is it. Clutch in. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Ease it off. - Yep, yep, yep.
Look at me!
Fucking Fast and the Furious Sydney Fucking Drift here, son!
- Gimme some! AJ: Yes!
It's more a reverse Driving Miss Daisy,
but still, I'm very proud of you, Stevie. Well done.
Oh, cheers. That is empowering.
(PHONE RINGS) AJ: Oh, sorry.
Call from my producer, Miranda.
Don't talk about me while I'm gone.
STEVIE: As if!
Yo.
What are your intentions with my boy?
- (CHUCKLES) - I mean it, what are you doing?
You fucking around?
Girlfriend/boyfriend?
Must be pretty serious, doing cunnilingus on the rags.
Maybe AJ and I should have that chat first?
- Right. - Mm-hm.
So, you're at the pre-discussion phase?
OK.
Don't hurt him.
Please.
Like, he's just got himself back together.
OK?
I mean it.
- Stevie... - No, if you do it,
I will kick you in the box so hard,
and you won't even see it coming.
- I uh... - I'm serious,
I will just, like, find you.
You could be in a line at the ATM or just on a train,
and I will cunt punch you out of nowhere.
Dude, I think you have head lice.
Seriously, I feel like I can see one!
- I can see one. - Mm-hm.
Oh, my God! My head's been really itchy.
Don't tell him.
- What's up? STEVIE: Nothing.
So, I'm sorry to bail, but Stevie's got nits.
Oh... Stevie, ew!
I don't necessarily. They could be tiny ants.
Don't look at me!
AJ: Keep away from me!
No, no, ah!
- She's flicking them! - You're on your own!
She's flicking them at me!
(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS) STEVIE: Ow!
Oi! No, the lady on YouTube was not this violent with her kid.
Yeah, well, look, I told you, this isn't gonna work, Stevie.
We need to nuke them with chemicals.
No, no! Stop it!
Can we go organic, please? That's what I wanna do.
I'm trying to take care of the environment.
Um... Sidebar.
Can I still be friends with Charlie when you fuck things up?
Because I could really use a low-maintenance female friend.
Um... No, because I'm not gonna fuck things up with Charlie.
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, LOL. Righto.
Um... But you haven't even told her
that your show's about your ex-girlfriend yet.
That's 'cause it's not about my ex, Stevie.
It's just a show loosely based on the break-up with my ex.
Yeah, so, any way you say it sounds bad,
but I would probably weasel out of telling her, too.
(CHUCKLES)
Weasel solidarity!
Now, suck my head, bitch!
- (VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS) - Yeah, that feels better.
- Ooh. - What's that?
Hey!
- It's none of your business! - It looks legal! What is it?
Are you a sperm donor?
Oi! No secrets! What is it?
- Hey, just... - Are you scared to open it?
Ow! AJ, you've given me a scalp hickey!
Turn it off!
What is in your letter? (VACUUM CLEANER STOPS)
Ow!
"My client, Olivia Collins,
"alleges that the content of your television production,
"currently titled Cuck..."
(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry, I still love that title.
It's really good. Sorry.
"is defamatory and damaging.
"I've been instructed to demand that you cease and desist."
Blah, blah, blah. Just say what you mean, fellas.
Yeah, that's pretty standard legalese.
They're trying to psych you out, AJ.
I bet fuck-face Henry is behind this.
Just relax. I am hooking you up with some legal advice pronto.
- What? Who? - Engineer. Art director.
Art director.
Oh! Lawyer!
Oh, no. Human rights.
Boo!
(GASPS) Found one. Entertainment!
- Look at that. - Oh, yeah. KLA & Associates.
It's a pretty well-respected mid-tier firm.
You know that old duck who's in every show,
threw some cunt off Centrepoint Tower,
and they kept her contract with three different networks?
Yeah, right. (CLEARS THROAT)
Look at these Johnny Hoppers out here.
I swear they're doing Morse code with the fucking hacky sack.
Dezzy, they're not coppers. I've told you a hundred times,
they're just bogans from another country
with really hot accents.
Stevie, you're a good egg, but you've got no fucking idea
how advanced their surveillance systems are.
Whatever.
I'm gonna go douse my head in metho.
Yeah, start with your beard, mate.
That's where all your hair is. (PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, no!
I've gotta go and meet Miranda.
Oh, she is gonna blow her load when she finds out about that.
Well, obviously, I'm not gonna tell her.
Yeah, obviously, weasel.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
No, just buy yourself some time,
I'm gonna hook you up with some sweet, sweet legal instruction.
Ooh!
He's up for it!
Objection, Kent!
To your hot arse! Ha-ha!
I've just been reading your latest draft.
Lucky you're funny,
because spelling and sentence structure
are not your strengths.
You think I'm funny?
You need to dig deeper, AJ.
Right now, he's like a sad sack, moping about his cheating ex,
but, like, where is the scene where he screams at Liv
or, like, keys Henry's car or, like...
I mean, not that I'm endorsing toxic masculinity,
but, like, where's the rage?
Well, I've actually been thinking,
there's heaps more we can mine
from that workplace comedy in the radio station, you know?
Why don't we pare back all the boring relationship stuff
and just hit them with the LOLs.
Remember when we first talked about this show, AJ,
and I asked you if you were willing to go there?
Yes.
Well, now's the time to go there.
And take out, like, 11 jokes about the dots on your penis.
One's fine.
Liv.
AJ. No.
Why are you doing this?
Please, let's just leave it to the lawyers now, OK?
I mean, can't we talk this through like adults?
We're better than this!
I mean, t-to get all...
..litigious.
You lied to me.
- OK, don't... - Oh!
- Don't. Hold on. - I lied to you?
You told me that I would get full approval.
I haven't seen a single script.
You know, my lawyers told me
that I should contact the network straightaway
and just tell them, but I said, "No, let's wait,
"give him a chance."
(EXHALES)
Are you OK?
Yeah.
I'm fine. It's just Braxton-Hicks.
- Are they your lawyers? - No, you fucking moron.
False contractions.
I've got bigger things in my life right now than your show.
Case in fucking point.
(RETCHES)
- (VOMITS AND GASPS) - Oh, shit!
Are you sure you're OK?
Did you drive here, AJ?
OK, we're going to the hospital.
- (BREATHES HEAVILY) - Right now?
Yeah.
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
Call Henry,
tell him that we're dri... ving to Princess Sofia Hospital.
Here, here. Are you OK? Are you OK?
I think I left my phone at yoga.
(GROANS)
No, no, I'm fine.
(GASPS)
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
- Call Henry, AJ! - I'm calling, I'm calling!
(KEYPAD TONES)
Um...
I just wanna know, like, all about you,
but not really your upbringing or your family or...
..what you like to eat.
Just like entertainment law, that's so interesting.
Yeah. I write contracts for producers
looking to screw creators out of any back-end cash.
- (CHUCKLES) - Mm.
My karma's really low, I can never find a car park.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Totally.
So, you know that saying, like, "Art imitates life,"
and vicey-versey?
What's the deal if I wanted to write a television show
about something that actually happened,
but I wanna say that it is fiction?
Ah, yeah, the old "write what you know"
has got many a client into hot water.
But you know what,
creative licence, that can get you pretty far.
I could imagine so,
'cause otherwise, like, Taylor Swift would be totally sued
by every ex-boyfriend ever.
Sorry, she's um...
She's, like, um... The Beatles, but she's just one person.
Yeah, I know Tay Tay.
- I saw her live. - Oh.
- Do you have a daughter? - No.
Uh...
Yeah, well, you know, that's the whole thing
with defamation laws,
you just can't say anything false about a real person.
So, if Harry Styles is a dick,
and it can be shown to be objectively true,
- then Tay Tay's fine. - Fascinating.
That is, like, truly...
..fascinating.
- Really? - Mm-hm.
You know, most chicks just tune out when I talk about work.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm really curious about everything.
- Is that so? - Yeah.
Well, here's a puzzle for the curious-minded.
Would you rather have a vagina in your armpit
or an armpit for a vagina?
Would you rather continue drinking alone?
It was too soon to play Would You Rather.
Or go back to yours and play with my armpit?
(LIV PANTING)
(GRUNTS)
Did somebody order some ice chips?
Uh-huh?
OK, that's great. Just keep breathing, just keep breathing.
Every contraction is a giant wave
- bringing us closer to shore. - You're doing great.
You know, it's funny, some first-timers are in here
at the slightest cramp, which is generally just gas,
but your missus has been in active labour all day
and just thought she could yoga her way through it.
Oh, that is one tough cookie!
Yeah, she is.
Now, you, you know you get a meal, right?
Would you like a meal?
Because I think this is gonna take at least another hour.
- I could do a meal. NURSE: Great!
Yeah! What's on the menu?
(LAUGHS)
- Lasagne and salad. - Jackpot!
- Yum! - Ooh-ee!
Oh, no!
- I'm doing a meat-free day. - What?!
Yeah, I'm trying to do two a week.
A little cheat day?
AJ!
- Oh, God! - OK, just breathe...
Fuck off with your giant waves, Leon!
- It's not the time! - Oh!
You know what, let's do it. Lasagne.
- Parmesan? - Oh! Extra!
Done. Coming right up.
OK, you're doing great. You're doing great!
(PANTING)
- Oh. - Where... is Henry?
Has he called you back?
I'll try him again.
LIV: Oh, God.
Oh, God. (PHONE CHIMES)
(LIV PANTING)
Talk legal to me, baby.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, according to section 34, subsection 12,
your TV show would only be defamatory
if the portrayal of your lesbian lover makes false accusations
and that depiction causes harm to her reputation.
So, you're saying that if my beautiful lesbian lover
was an unfaithful slut to me in real life
and I portray her
as a really sexy, unfaithful slut on television...
..that's cool?
As long as it's true, Miss Jones.
Cool.
Of course, my legal recommendation
would be to change the name of the person.
Right.
So, if her name was, like, I don't know, Liv or something,
if I changed it to Vivian, would that be good?
Oh, I think that should suffice, Miss Jones.
- Mm! - Now, would you like me
- to bill you by the hour... - Vivian.
..or by the orgasm?
Mm!
OK um... I just have to stop.
No, no, I consent.
I absolutely consent, Mr Lawyer.
No, it's just before we go any further, I just...
..I legit need to inform you that uh...
..I have genital herpes.
But I am on antivirals,
so the infection's not currently active.
And, of course, we...
..will be using protection. (CHUCKLES)
Right. OK.
- So, I can't get it? - No.
That's OK. (GIGGLES)
Um... TBH, I had head lice this morning,
so, no judgement from me.
Uh... What?
Yeah, but it...
It's just headlice. Everyone's had headlice.
- It was... - Uh...
Yeah, I uh...
I'm sorry, I don't think I can do this.
- Are you fucking kidding me? - Yeah, it's just that...
I've got them already, haven't I?
I'm itching! I'm itching!
I'm not exactly thrilled
at the prospect of your shedding dick either, mate.
I know, alright?
I know. And I'm sorry.
Well, look, as far as I'm concerned,
your mouth isn't diseased, and neither's my puss, so...
..I'm sure we can come to an arrangement.
(MOANS)
(GASPS)
(GROANS)
I object!
(GROANS)
Let's go for another push.
Dad, we're gonna get you to hold the other leg again,
just to give her some resistance to push back on.
He is not the dad!
- Are you the father? - I could be, I could be.
- There was a dip. - Dips don't count.
OK, thanks, Leon.
WOMAN: If you're not the father, you have to leave.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
You didn't fucking call him, did you?
Uh... Not so much.
- OK, come on. - Fuck, AJ!
Can someone call the father?
OK, look, in all fairness, I do hate him, alright?
And-and you're suing me, so...
And-and you don't even have a leg to stand on,
'cause I just got legal advice
and you actually don't have a case
if all the stuff in the show is true, so I'm sorry to say that.
- (YELLS) - This is not the time!
Yeah, I know, I realised that
as the words were coming out of my mouth.
I'll put it in an e-mail, Liv.
- You... fucking... liar! - Oh!
You fucking... cunt-weasel!
You have to go now. Someone escort him out.
Yeah, yeah. OK, fine, I'm going.
I'm going, I'm going.
AJ... AJ, please... please stay with me.
I can't do this on my own. Please don't let him leave.
AJ!
I'm here. I'm here.
Ooh!
- (WHIMPERS) - You're gonna be a mum.
(GROANS)
OK, OK, OK.
(STRAINS)
(SCREAMS)
(WAILS)
(SCREAMS)
(BABY CRIES)
(CHUCKLES)
What are you doing here?
Oh, fuck.
You missed it, man.
Yeah, yeah, it was really incredible.
Beautiful baby girl. Congrats.
Oh, was that a surprise?
My bad!
Yeah, but she's beautiful, you know,
all chocolatey and brown...
Hey, whoa, whoa.
Hey! I'm kidding.
I'm kidding!
She's all pink and privileged, like you.
I just wanna see my kid.
I guess now we're even.
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
TURREN, ON INTERCOM:Darlington Abbey, how may we serve you?
It's AJ.
TURREN, ON INTERCOM:AJ? Sorry, can you spell that for me?
AJ: Turren, just let me in!
AJ.
To what do we owe the pleasure for the... third time this week?
- I'm here to see Charlie. - Alright.
Well, you know the drill. Please...
..sign the visitor register.
I've backdated your last three visits, too. Sign them.
Ah-ah-ah!
Pencil. Pencil.
Thank you.
Are you kidding me?!
When the market tanks, I hope they realise
their command-and-control regulations
won't protect them from the acid rain.
I can smell them burning from here.
Anyway uh... I've gotta go.
Circle back.
(SIGHS)
Hey, you.
You weren't joking about taking months to unpack.
At this rate, your lease will be up
and you won't even need to pack again
before you move to the next city.
Yeah, not gonna lie, it's happened before.
Can I tell you something?
It's kinda been politely suggested to me
a couple of times today
that I may be a... bit of a weasel.
Or at least resemble weasel tendencies.
So, I feel like I should just go ahead and sack up.
You know how I'm making a TV show?
- Mm. - Well...
..it's kind of about my life
and about how my girlfriend of ten years was cheating on me
with my best friend.
Right, so, not radio station hijinks?
Well, I mean, there is that, too, yeah, but um...
..but, yeah, no, more-more about the break-up.
I just thought you should know.
So, like, your job is to sit around
thinking about your last relationship for art's sake?
Yeah.
But, as you just said...
..it's just a job.
Oh, man!
I was having so much fun.
Look...
..you need to know, me and my ex...
..we're done.
It is all in here.
Read it and decide for yourself
if you wanna take me on with all of my bullshit.
AJ...
..I don't want a cheat sheet on all your baggage.
Not only 'cause it's really weird after a month of dating,
but... there is absolutely no way
I can hand you my version of this.
It is a lovely...
..incredibly wasteful gesture, though.
I mean, like, haven't you heard of e-mail?
Carbon-free? Come on!
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
(SNIFFS)
What is that smell? What do you smell like?
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
Oh... lasagne.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what that is.
(CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
It's just a job.
Yeah?
Yeah.
It's just a job.